The Walk-Out

Counterwill in the Classroom

Counterwill is a funny thing. We seem to walk straight into it as adults without understanding its energy. Some time ago I had a difficult day as a Substitute teacher which could have panned out quite differently had I understood Counterwill better.

My notes informed me the Year 12 English students I was teaching were sitting a test that lesson. I braced myself. “Test conditions” means silence – often a bit of a feat to pull off when you’ve never met the students before.

I called the class to attention and insisted they complete the assessment in silence. “This is no time for chatting,” I emphasized. “Students all around the country are sitting this same assessment today, and each school must keep the same rules.” Looks were exchanged between some members of the class as I handed out the test papers. The energy coming my way was not exactly warm.

Retreating to my desk to begin quiet surveillance, I was surprised to see a group of girls chatting quietly amongst themselves. It was a few minutes into the test and not one of them had even picked up a pen. In fact some were applying make-up and others were chatting about the upcoming school Prom that weekend.

In front of me were a group of bespectacled boys writing furiously. I felt injured on their behalf. How dare these girls compromise the chances of these other students, so keen to succeed? I stalked over to the girls and “shushed” them as only a good teacher can. My “shush” was greeted with a chorus of exasperated sighs and eye-rolling from the group, and after a few minutes the talking ensued.

I tried again, more insistently this time, but to no avail. The only purpose it served was to increase the eye-rolling and increase the volume of the chatter. I retreated to my desk to consider my options. If this were to continue I would need to take more extreme action. Normally, in cases where students really won’t comply, they can be sent to the Deputy Principal’s office. This, so close to the upcoming Prom, could endanger their chances of attending. Harsh, perhaps, but my blood was beginning to boil. Occasionally one of the group would glance haughtily over at me as they talked, waiting to see what I might do next.

I had made up my mind. Eyeballing them I marched across the room. “Girls,” I hissed, “this is to be completed in test conditions. If you cannot manage to stop your conversation I will send you to the Deputy Principal immediately. Do you understand?” The girls fell silent. I retreated with a sigh of relief. Sometimes you’ve  just got to show them who’s boss, I thought to myself as I returned to my desk. However, things were not so rosy as I had supposed. When I turned back around the girls were huddled in a tight group whispering in earnest conversation. 

Moments later, the silence was disturbed by the sudden clattering of desks and school bags. All eyes were turned on four of the girls standing, chins held high, walking towards the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“You don’t want us here, so we’re leaving,” one replied tensely, “just like you asked us to.”

“But…” I replied, “alright then…” I faltered. I gathered up my assertive voice again.

“You may leave only if you’re going directly to the Deputy Principal’s office.”

The girls exchanged glances and smirked. “Yeah sure,” they replied and left, walking in the opposite direction from the Admin building. 

After they left an unsettled hush fell over the room and students began pulling out their papers again and looking at their work. I remained standing tensely, calculating in my head which DP to refer this incident on to. Recovering slowly from the incident, I walked the room again,looking over student’s shoulders at their work. When I reached the group of earnest, bespectacled boys I leaned in close. “At least now you boys can get on with your work,” I smiled conspiratorially. 

The boys looked up and one freckled individual with curly locks of hair physically recoiled from me. Staring me down, angrily he exclaimed, “Don’t think just because we’re doing our work that we’re on your side!” Bewildered, and feeling stung, I stumbled my way back to the teacher’s desk, wondering what had just happened. 

What had just happened, in fact, began at the very first moment I opened my mouth that lesson. I had triggered Counterwill, and not just in the unruly students, but in the dedicated ones as well. When relational connection is low, Counterwill can be high.

There are many things I could have done that day to reduce the possibility of Counterwill. I could have started the lesson more relationally by telling the class a little about myself and my passion for English as a subject. I could have communicated to them why their regular teacher was absent. Instead, I went straight into the test description. And instead of reassuring them about the assessment and what they might want to think about to do well, I chose to focus on what they must not do and how severe the consequences would be if they did not.

When the group of girls chose to ignore my initial instructions, that was my invitation to work harder to connect with them. I could have started a quiet conversation on passing about what they were wearing to the school Prom perhaps. I could have talked about my small children which is why I was a Substitute at the time. Instead I “shushed” them -  a dangerous move in a Counterwill-charged classroom. 

Don’t get me wrong – “shushing” my regular class, who I have spent months getting to know and enjoy -  is a perfectly simple thing to do and does not trigger Counterwill. However, trying it with a group I had no prior relationship with is risky. Respect is usually earned, not given simply because of one’s title or position.

By assuming compliance I had lost it, and by ignoring the dynamic of Counterwill I had triggered a full-blown, defiant walk-out on my watch. It could have ended so differently. Oh the beauty of hindsight…

Use Your Village

Natural Parent magazine Summer 2020

Trisha looked anxiously out at the morning traffic piling up on the road. Her eldest, Tom, was at it again. The younger two had already dressed, grabbed their lunches and got out the door half an hour ago. But still Tom lay in his bed, despite repeated warnings, refusing to get up and go to school. Glancing at the clock and seeing she only had twenty minutes to get to work herself, Trisha’s mind scrambled to think what to do.

I could ring school and tell them he’s sick again, she thought. But that’s not a great idea. Already his teacher had expressed concern about the number of days he was off “sick”.

I could ring work and tell them I’m sick. Again… Not a great idea either, she thought. Her last performance review was marred by that warning comment regarding her “sick days”. Raising three kids on one income meant losing her job was unthinkable.

I could ring Tom’s father and ask him to try to convince him to go in…Definitely not a good idea, she thought. Tom’s father seemed to take the responsibilities of parenting very lightly. “If Tom wants to stay home, what can I do about it?” he’d say. “He needs to take responsibility for his own life”.

Drawing a deep breath, Trisha walked purposefully back up to Tom’s room. Trying to make her voice sound friendly she said, “School time, Tom,” and gave him a shake. Tom only pulled the covers down tighter.

“Tom…” Her voice now had a strained edge to it. “Tom, school starts in ten minutes’ time. You absolutely must get to school today. You’ve had one day off already this week and it’s only Wednesday…” Still no response came from the bed. He only clutched his bedclothes around him tighter with fierce determination and said moodily, “Go away!”

Trisha gave an internal cry of exasperation. What was she to do?!! Stumbling down to the living room she collapsed on the coach, head in her hands. She knew parenting alone was going to be hard, but nobody said what to do when it got like this. Tears pricked at her eyes. She looked down at the phone in her hand but she couldn’t think of a single person she could call on for help.

Why we need a village

We expect more from ourselves as parents nowadays than in days gone by, yet we do it with less support than ever before. We expect to raise children who are both free-spirited yet polite, sporty yet academic, tech savvy yet with healthy social skills and we expect ourselves to do this whilst working, keeping an orderly household and living isolated from wider family support. But is this healthy?

Tribal African society got it right when they said, “it takes a village to raise a child”, yet in modern western society we are pushed into independence from our earliest days. To prove we’ve “made it” as healthy, functioning adults, we feel we must show we can manage on our own. Highly competent professionals, successful in the cut-throat worlds of law and finance, have told me that parenting is by far and away the most challenging thing they’ve ever had to do.

But rather than share this burden, the struggles of family and parenting have become a private affair that we are reluctant to admit to. We might share our bright and shiny parenting moments on Facebook and Instagram but when things aren’t going so well, we’re quick to hide our “failures” behind closed doors. Instead of living in villages, surrounding our children with an entire community of adults to help raise them, we’re living on islands that we drive out from daily, bravely trying to look in control all by ourselves.

Parenting was never meant to be done on an island. In days gone by we were raised by school teachers, shop-keepers, pastors and parents alike. The adults in our world knew each other and would catch up and compare notes at the village fair, marae, sports field, fund-raiser or at church on Sundays. We learned to take care of younger siblings and cousins under the watchful eyes of our mothers, fathers, aunties, uncles, grandparents and kindly neighbours. One woman admits, “Once I became a Mom, the saying it takes a village to raise a child sounded less like a nice little proverb about the value of community and more like a warning to parents: Seriously, you can’t do this alone.”

How did we lose our village?

One reason we’ve lost our village is that many of us move around for work-related reasons. In doing this we cut our ties with the community in which we were raised and with the people that once surrounded us.

Another reason we may have lost our village is that other ‘villagers’ can be flawed. Unsolicited advice from mothers, mothers-in-law or plunket nurses and clashing ideologies with other parents leave us wary of getting others involved. It sometimes feels easier to try to manage on our own than wade into this minefield. But that would be a mistake.

Share the load

We all of us can be the kind, funny, insightful and caring parents we want to be… some of the time. But none of us can be that amazing all of the time. We get tired. We get sick. We get pressing work or family commitments. It’s vital that we share the load. Give others around you a chance to be amazing too. One writer warns, “You have a baby and that baby is yours to love and care for forever, but you can’t, and shouldn’t, do it alone…You have a responsibility to introduce new people to share their gifts and talents and nurture something different in your child.”

Find your Village

It’s all very well to say, “It takes a village to raise a child”, but what if you have no village? There’s come a point with many clients where I pause, stop talking about their child and say, “You look exhausted. Who do you have who can help you out?” For many, the response is bleak.

It’s not so much that they feel alone, it’s that they really are alone. They have become isolated from every meaningful person to them and feel unable to ask for help. Before it gets this bad, invest some energy and effort into finding a village. If you’re new to the area and don’t have family and friends around, find a village in the place where you are, then swallow your pride and accept all offers of help.

 Ways to find your “people”  

Get involved in your community. Volunteer for groups such as Girl Guides, Scouts, Surf Life Saving, sports teams or the school PTA. Churches run play groups, kids’ activities and youth groups for teens. Coffee and Antenatal groups can blossom into friendships for you and your kids that last well into their teenage years. Online parenting communities may not provide face to face support but can give you a meaningful sense of solidarity in those dark hours when nobody else is around.

In Maori culture, there is a saying: Ehara taku toa, he takitahi, he toa takitini. It means: My success is not mine alone. It is the success of the many. It may be time for us to humbly admit that our ability to successfully raise a child relies upon the input of many, many others around us.

You may feel as though you can’t afford the time, but can you afford not to put the time into surrounding yourself with a village of concerned others? Parenting may be the most daunting thing you’ll ever do, but it’s likely to be the most fulfilling and rewarding thing too. One - or if you’re lucky - two adults trying to work out this crazy dance of parenting alone is simply not enough. Use your village and you will find the way through together.

Story revisited

Trisha walked over to Tom, after dinner. “How are you feeling about school tomorrow Tom?” she asked. Tom looked out the window into the Puriri tree. “I don’t want to go, Mum. The teachers all hate me and I don’t have any friends.”

“All except Ms Higgins, right?” asked Trisha questioningly.

After a silence he said softly, “Yeah…She’s alright.”

“Ok Tom. I’m going to get back to you with a plan for the morning like we did last week…all good by you?”

She searched his face for a response. Tom’s face was pinched, but on being reminded of how last week’s plan had worked out his face softened. He sighed and turned back to his screen, nodding his assent. 

Trisha went over to the table to where her phone was. Who could she call on for support tomorrow to help get Tom to school?  She had shared her dilemma with a number of people last week and many had expressed concern, and had even offered to help. Mentally she began running through the list of names she had in her “village” to help out her out.

I could try his Grandmother, she thought. She’d said she would stay at home with him and help get some homework done if he refused to go to school again. What about my neighbour? She thought. He’d said Tom was welcome to quietly read over at his place if he didn’t feel up to going to school. I could try his father, she thought. He had agreed to come round if things got bad again. He had even promised to make more of an effort to get him to school after they called him about their concerns. Oh! I know what! she decided. I’ll try Coach Brent. Ever since Tom had joined the social basketball team at school, he’d been getting along well with Coach Brent. Brent had even said he’d even swing by and collect Tom for practice before school if need be.

Trisha started tapping out a text then awaited a response. Shortly, her phone dinged.

Bingo! Coach Brent would stop by on the way to practice in the morning. But just to be sure, Trisha also sent an email to Ms Higgins. Ever since Trisha and Tom had spent that weekend together at the beach, working out what was going wrong at school, she’d discovered that Ms Higgins was the one teacher at school Tom felt safe with. Trisha was glad to see a reply back in her inbox before long. “Yes of course I’d be happy to go down to the gym before school,” Ms Higgins’s email read. “I’ll collect Tom from basketball and take him up to my classroom to be with me until the bell goes.”

Trisha smiled happily, and went across to Tom to talk him through the morning’s plan. It was amazing how much easier this was with a little bit of help from her village!

 

References

Kalli Anderson, ‘How to Build a Parenting Village’, accessed 22 October 2019, www.todaysparent.com.

Katie Dupuis, ‘Building Sophie’s Parenting Village’, 2012, https://www.todaysparent.com.

The Alpha Child

Natural Parent magazine Winter 2019

“How are you going on that Science Fair project of yours, Rosa?”asked Maria tentatively, putting a hand on her daughter ’s arm. Rosa shrugged her hand off irritably and continued busily sticking down test tubes and small pieces of information beside each with a frown on her face. Maria watched her, hesitant to interrupt, holding a piece of paper in her hand.

“What do you want?!”Rosa eventually groaned, turning on Maria with a sharp look.
“Oh…it ’s just…”Maria looked apologetic. “It ’s just that Ms Norton wants you to sign this form for the Science Fair to say it ’s all your own work.”
“Ms Norton is an idiot!”Rosa erupted in exasperation. “Can ’t she tell it ’s all my own work? Only an idiot would think I ’d have copied the idea to do a science fair project on different types of animal manure fertiliser.”
“It ’s not personal darling,”said Maria in a soothing voice. “All the kids entering the fair have to sign the form. Let ’s get it over with before dinner shall we? I have dinner all ready and waiting on the table, love.”
“Oh for goodness ’sake Mum!”exploded Rosa. “Don ’t think I ’m eating that rabbit food of yours again! Just go get me takeaways like last night….”Rosa turned moodily back to her project. “Rabbit food…”she muttered to herself darkly.
Maria put a hand to her throat. “But darling… I ’ve cooked it especially. It ’s very healthy for you.”
Rosa continued mechanically gluing and sticking down her board, caught up in her own world. Maria walked away shaking her head. I guess I ’ll just have to drive down to the shops again she thought to herself. It ’s not as though it ’s fair to expect her to keep working on an empty stomach.

About Alpha
There are two sets of instincts in the parenting dynamic, according to Dr Neufeld. One is in the instinct to take the lead: the “alpha mode ” and the other is the instinct to be taken care of: the “dependent mode ”. As parents, we generally take turns with our partner at taking the alpha or the dependent mode depending on the context but in a parent-child relationship, usually the parent is in the alpha mode and the child is in the dependent mode. Sometimes this gets turned on its head and the child ends up in the alpha mode with the parent wondering how they lost their lead. Dr Neufeld calls a child who operates in the alpha mode most of the time an “alpha child ”or a child with an alpha complex.

So what ’s the problem with Alpha?
There ’s nothing intrinsically “wrong ”with alpha instincts per se. They are an important and instinctive part of every single one of us. However, the alpha mode is healthiest in the context of caring for others. To be healthy, the drive to take charge should always be accompanied by a drive to assume responsibility for and to care for others, giving the one in the alpha mode the position that is best for providing for and protecting others.
A child who has taken the alpha mode in the parent-child relationship has the drive to take charge, but it is not usually accompanied by the drive to take responsibility for nor to care for others.

Alpha children can be very difficult to take care of. They can be bossy, controlling and demanding. They resist instruction or direction, must be in the know all the time and are driven to take centre stage. As parents it is our job to support, care for, encourage, advise, guide and direct our children as they develop. An alpha child uses their lead to themselves become the one advising, directing and demanding our support.

What we fail to realise is that a child in the alpha mode is often a vulnerable child. They appear to be strong, confident and in control, so it ’s easy to step back and allow them to make their own decisions because they appear “grown up ”in so many ways. However, the drive to take control often masks an underlying sense of anxiety and alarm. Deep down, an alpha child knows they ’re not quite ready for the responsibilities of the adult world, so why are they driven to take charge?

Why is my child Alpha?

Alpha by Default
A child can become alpha “by default ”. This means the parent has not taken a firm lead in their relationship with the child creating a gap for the child to step in to. This situation can be created for many reasons, such as by overly casual or permissive parenting. It could be because the parent is overly anxious, indecisive or uncertain. It could be because the parent believes in creating an equal status between parent and child possibly because their own parent was overly domineering. Or it could be because the parent is looking to the child to meet an unmet need in themselves such as a need for companionship.

Alpha by Defence
A child can also become alpha “by defence ”. The child ’s parents may be operating in the alpha mode but still it doesn ’t feel safe to the child to depend upon them. This could be because a child feels let down by their parent in a frightening situation such as a car crash or the death of an important person in their life. It could be because the child experiences a sense that their parent is taking advantage of their weakness or is making fun of them. Maybe the parent uses their need for connection against them with words such as, “I will only give you a hug when you finish tidying up your room ”. Or perhaps they use what the child cares about against them; “I will only let you have your favourite meal if you do your chores first.”These contexts can trigger a defence in the child against vulnerable feelings such as caring -  a vital part of a healthy alpha expression. As a result, the child ’s limbic brain chooses the alpha mode to be the only safe mode to operate in. Alpha by defence is common in highly sensitive children including those with giftedness and those on the ASD spectrum.

How do I get the lead with my child back again?
Getting your lead back again with an alpha child is often a slow process that may require some personal growth in ourselves as well as great care and patience with our tamariki. The key is to find a place within ourselves that is both soft but firm at the same time.

Assume the Alpha role
Don ’t be afraid to convey a strong and firm alpha presence in your relationship with your child. Gordon Neufeld says, “You are the kings and queens of their universe until they are strong enough to become their own. ”If you don ’t feel the Alpha in you yet, “fake it until you make it ”. In particular, never allow a child to feel they are too much for you to handle. This means you must shift the responsibility for their many woes and concerns back onto your own shoulders. We are fond of saying to children “it ’s your choice ”and “you are responsible for your own actions.”While this approach works well with older children and teens who show signs of being ready to flourish into their own “grown up ”selves, it can be developmentally inappropriate for many children. They must not be given too much responsibility too soon. They might appear to be coping well but underneath, the burden and anxiety can send them into “alpha by defence ”.

Invite Dependence
Restoring a right relationship with our child involves not just taking back the lead, but allowing our alpha child to rest and to lean upon us. We can do this by inviting their dependence. In the story revisited below, Maria invites her daughter to lean upon her to help complete her science fair project. In the first story Rosa felt the entire project was resting on her own shoulder. This meant her anxiety about the deadline weighed on her and left her forcefully trying to keep control of the situation. In the story revisited, Rosa ’s alpha tendencies are still at play, but Maria does not allow Rosa to inappropriately take over the situation. Instead she leaves her in control of her own project but not everything else in her world. When a child feels supported by us they are far more likely to surrender the lead role.

For more ideas on parenting an Alpha Child you may like to investigate the course “Alpha Children ”offered by the Neufeld Institute.

Story revisited
“How are you going on that Science Fair project of yours, Rosa?”asked Maria kindly, putting a hand on her daughter ’s arm.
Rosa shrugged her hand off irritably and continued busily sticking down test tubes and small cut out slips of information beside each with a frown on her face.

Maria walked around Rosa ’s board. “You look like you ’re doing some great work here, honey. I ’m proud to see how well you can focus on your project all by yourself.”
Rosa looked exasperated. “What do you want?!”she sighed turning on Maria with a sharp look.
Maria raised her eyebrows at Rosa ’s tone. “I ’m sorry Mum.”Rosa lowered her eyes. “It ’s just that this is due tomorrow and I ’ve got heaps of work to go on it yet.”
“Well darling, I have a form here from Ms Norton for you to sign that confirms this is all your own ideas, but I can ’t see why I can ’t help you with the sticking down of things. I already have dinner ready so I ’ve got time. Would you like my help?”
Rosa looked up gratefully. “Oh would you Mum? That would be awesome. Then I can get on with checking all the other details.”Rosa passed the glue and scissors to her mother and took the form from her to sign, then scanned her bedroom floor. Turning hesitantly back towards her mother she said, “So Mum… about dinner?”her eyebrows raised hopefully.
Maria looked up quickly and gave her a wry smile. “Absolutely not young lady. It ’s important you have healthy food tonight before your big day tomorrow. There won ’t be any takeaways tonight.”
Rosa wrinkled up her nose and gave a mock smile then turned away. “Well it was worth a try,”she muttered to herself, and kneeled down to survey all her tasks once again. Satisfied she was well on track towards completion now, she sprung to her feet again and said brightly, “Thanks again for your help Mum. I think I ’m going to make it after all.”

Gordon Neufeld, Alpha Children (Vancouver: Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2012) www.neufeldinstitute.com.

Good Child Syndrome

Natural Parent magazine Summer 2019

Nisha came in the door quietly and placed her lunchbox neatly on the bench. Hanging her bag up she then tidily laid out all her homework on the table, ready to complete after she had eaten her afternoon snack. “Have you had a good day, Nisha?” asked her Mother as she handed her a samosa and a drink. Nisha nodded silently.

Gentle Parenting the Older Child
Adrienne Wood unpacks the theory of Canadian Psychologist Gordon Neufeld and how it might give you insight into the dynamics underlying your relationship with your older child.

Nisha came in the door quietly and placed her lunchbox neatly on the bench. Hanging her bag up she then tidily laid out all her homework on the table, ready to complete after she had eaten her afternoon snack.
“Have you had a good day, Nisha?” asked her Mother as she handed her a samosa and a drink. Nisha nodded silently.

She began eating but her eyes began to stray towards the carom board. She loved how she could flick her fingers and release the counters across the board. Watching her counter whack into and disperse the others gave her a rush. She often dreamed at night about successfully rounding up her opposition in a clean sweep, emerging the victor!

Holding her samosa with her right hand over her plate at the table, she began to slowly twist and let her left hand stray towards the carom board behind her. Watching her mother cautiously out of the corner of her eyes, she began toying with a carom piece, spinning it round and round.

“Nisha!” said her mother sharply.
Nisha quickly pulled back her hand and whirled to sitting upright at the table again.
“You know you must not play with the carom board until after dinner, when all your homework has been done!”
Nisha dropped her head. “Yes Ma. I’m sorry Ma,” she muttered penitently, but underneath the table, her left hand made a fist, and her stomach tightened into a knot.
“I’m not hungry, Ma,” she muttered after a time and returned her food to the bench uneaten, meticulously wiping every crumb off the edge of her plate.

What’s happening here?
Nisha is holding her negative emotions in very tightly so as not to rock the boat with her mother, but it’s currently at the cost of a warm relationship with her, and it’s also taking its toll on her health.

Good Child Syndrome
“Good” children work hard to keep their parents’ love and affection. They learn early on that “bad” behaviours such as shouting too loud, demanding their needs are met or refusing to comply with directions all earn them their parents’ disapproval. This can be a frightening feeling for a child given we are reliant on our parents to survive when we are young. So a “good” child takes all the parts of themselves that their parent disapproves of and they hide it. Parents reward this decision by giving their good child less negative attention than their more demanding siblings.

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls this dynamic “The Cookie Cutter”. The child cuts themselves into a shape that allows the parent to only to see the acceptable side of themselves.  Within the cookie cutter are all the behaviours and attributes we as parents approve of. All the negative or big emotions they feel they can’t express are left outside of the “cookie”.

What’s the problem?
The problem with a cookie cutter approach is that it leaves our children with the belief that our acceptance of them is conditional on their behaviour. Pioneering psychologist and researcher Carl Rogers asked the question, “What happens when a parent’s love depends on how a child behaves?” He found children who hide their unacceptable feelings end up with an internal sense of worthlessness and are at risk of poor mental health in later life. By enjoying the convenience of a “good child” we overlook the burden it places on the child at the expense of their current and future mental health. Some children go so far as to construct a “false self” that they operate from to please us and begin to lose track of the “real me” under all the disguise. It can take years of therapy to untangle the false identity from their true identity.

Expecting a child to be all light with no shadow is unrealistic and can breed dangerous habits in a child. The dark side of our personality has much to teach us and can help us cope with difficult traits in others, too. One author writes, “Being properly mature involves a frank unfrightened relationship with one’s own dark sides, complexities and ambitions.” When we only affirm the aspects of the “good child” that we approve of, without accepting their negative traits, it leaves us at risk of a strained relationship with them right into adulthood.

Put simply, our acceptance of our child must not be conditional on their behaviour.

So how can I avoid being a Cookie Cutter parent?
To keep our “good child” in good mental health, let them know that your acceptance of them is unconditional. It’s time to start accepting them for who they are, not what they do. This means that if they have an angry outburst or refuse to comply at times, we still hold an open invitation to them to be close to us, both physically and emotionally. This doesn’t mean we can’t hold high expectations for them, it just means we accept that they might not always measure up to them.

Sometimes we need to permit and even welcome, their “bad selves” as antidote to all that “good” behaviour that might be putting a strain on their physical and mental health. As one author put it, “Being a good child is one of the loveliest things in the world. But in order to have a genuinely good life, we may sometimes need to be – by the standards of the good child – fruitfully and bravely “bad”.”

Read below how Nisha’s Mum approached her “good girl” differently this time round, and how it produced a different result.

Story revisited
Nisha came in the door quietly and placed her lunchbox neatly on the bench. Hanging her bag up she then tidily laid out all her homework on the table, ready to complete after she had eaten her afternoon snack.
“Have you had a good day, Nisha?” asked her mother Nalini, as she handed her a samosa and a drink. Nisha nodded silently. She began eating but her eyes began to stray towards the carom board. Watching her mother cautiously out of the corner of her eyes, she reached out and began toying with a carom piece, spinning it round and round.

“Nisha!” said her mother sharply.  “You know you must not play with the carom board until after dinner!”
Nisha pulled back quickly and her left hand tightened into a fist. She put her samosa down on the plate unfinished, staring angrily out the window.
“Nisha!” said her mother again after a time. “You must finish up your samosa! No homework until you have eaten your snack.”
Suddenly Nisha stood and shoved her plate aggressively across the table, watching it fall and smash onto the floor. “Ma!” she shouted angrily. “I’m sick of you controlling everything! I’m sick of eating! I’m sick of school! I’m NOT doing my homework. I’m going to my room!”
Nalini, taken aback by the fallen plate watched Nisha leave in surprise. What has gotten into her today? She wondered. She wasn’t used to Nisha speaking back. She considered calling her father to make him come home and discipline her, then she changed her mind and sighed. Sometimes it was not worth the fuss… “Today I’ll try something different”, she thought to herself.
Cleaning up the mess carefully, she spent some time and made another plate of food up for Nisha then knocked quietly on her door.
“Nisha? I’ve brought you another snack in case you’re hungry later.”
Going in she found a silent tear stained face looking the other way out the window, rocking silently to and fro.
“Nisha… Nisha” said Nalini much more gently and moved to provide a comforting hug. “It felt so hard for you did it?”
Nisha’s back remained stiff upright and she continued to look out the window.
“Nisha, we will talk about this later. It’s not ok to smash plates, but right now you’re upset. You need to take some time to get over it.”
Nisha looked up cautiously at her mother’s face. To her surprise it was inviting and warm.
“I’m looking forward to play carom with you after dinner, Nisha,” Nalini said with a playful question in her eyes.
“I’m still allowed to play?” Nisha asked hesitantly.
“Of course darling,” said Nalini putting an arm round her shoulders. “We’ll talk about all this after, once you’re feeling better. Carom is for everyday no matter how you behave. It’s what we do after dinner together, no matter what.”

Nisha gave a broad smile and hugged her mother back. She wasn’t sure why she had got so angry, but she sure felt a whole lot better about it now.

Understanding Tears

Natural Parent magazine Spring 2018

“Lachlan, come along. We’re going to be late for the football match! You’ll need to grab your gear and come now.”
Lachlan looked up darkly at his mother from under his duvet without moving.

“What’s up?” she smiled playfully picking up the family cat Millie off his bed. “Cat go your tongue?”
“Leave me alone!” he retorted angrily. “I’m too tired to play soccer today.”
Caroline glanced at the clock – only 20 minutes til warm up time. She felt her adrenals surge.
“Come on Lachlan!” cried his mother. “This is important!! Well be late. We’re supposed to be supplying oranges at half time today and coach will be mad if we don’t turn up!”
Lachlan slowly pushed back the cover all the while glowering darkly. Muttering something unintelligible under his breath he began to pull his soccer gear out of the cupboard.
“What was that Lachlan?” Caroline asked sharply, but when he didn’t respond she fumed away in frustration. What had gotten into that boy today? She wondered. Glaciers moved faster. It was as if there were some sort of invisible magnetic force repelling all her efforts to help him hurry along to the game today.

Looking absently at his soccer trophies on the mantelpiece as she hurriedly sliced up the oranges she wondered what on earth he was acting so cold today for. He usually loved the games. Often it was him hurrying her along and helping out with chores to make sure they got there in time. I might just pop my head in again and see where she’s up to, she thought, glancing one more time up at the clock.

“Lachlan?” she called peering around the bedroom door.
There he was, standing in front of the mirror, soccer boots on, still wearing the shorts and T Shirt he went to bed in. He had an odd expression on his face.
“Lachlan? What’s happening?”
Swirling around towards her suddenly he slammed the wardrobe door shut, so hard it shattered the mirror. “I told you Mum!!!” he yelled. “I’m not coming today!”

What’s happening here?

In the story above, Lachlan has experienced a huge disappointment that he hasn’t told his mother about. Because he couldn’t find a safe place to find his tears about it, his frustration mounted and exploded in an aggressive outburst.

About Tears

Tears serve a vital function in child development. Tears release the pent up emotion within us from life’s many wounds and hurts. Crying has been found to release stress hormones from our bodies as well as built up toxins. Those who cry often have been found to hold better physical and mental health than those who do not. Children often cry more frequently after stressful life events. However, those children who are “good” and hide their feelings in stressful separations and crises, have been found to have negative symptoms emerge later such as eating and sleeping difficulties.

So what’s the point of Tears anyway?

Tears are vital for keeping our hearts soft. When we suppress or avoid tears, our heart must take an alternative approach to the wounding, and defend itself by putting emotional barriers up. This stops us from feeling the pain of the hurt, but unfortunately creates other problems instead.

Aggression is one problem that emerges from failing to find one’s tears. In the story above, Lachlan didn’t manage to find his tears about the disappointment of not getting into the Rep soccer team. Instead of feeling the pain of that disappointment, he pushed down this emotion by putting up a defensive emotional barrier and pretending he didn’t care. Unfortunately, this pent up emotion gathered momentum and came out, unexpectedly, in a large explosion just before his next soccer game.

What’s the problem with avoiding tears?

Sometimes children hide their emotions when it doesn’t feel safe to let them out. This can be because we, the adults, are afraid of their tears. We try to distract them with food, smiles, screens or worse, we may scold them to stop crying with comments such as, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry”. The tears inevitably dry up, but at what cost? The underlying wound that triggered their strong emotions doesn’t go away even if child acts as though it has. Child developmentalist, Deborah MacNamara, calls the combination of repressed emotions and heightened alarm in a child’s life, “a perfect recipe for depression”.

What we don’t understand, when we try to avoid a child’s tears, is the importance of the release that tears bring. We worry that tears are a sign our child is hurt and we want to stop their sadness. However, tears actually serve a healing function. Aletha Solter of the Aware Parenting Institute states, “When children cry the hurt has already happened. Crying is not the hurt, but the process of being unhurt.”

So how am I supposed to respond to tears in my child?

Welcome - even invite - the big emotions your child faces, including tears. Your welcome of their big emotions, is a welcome of your child, whichever way he or she comes. While it may feel frightening at first to simply let them cry, realise that tears will always come to a natural conclusion when the feelings are spent. Emotions are meant to move us. Have faith that by allowing tears and distress to be expressed in your child, they will do their work and move the child to a new emotional state. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld says that tears “can unlock an emotional journey which sets the stage for bouncing back.” When tears are allowed to do their work properly it gives the body a means of releasing all that pent up negative energy so that it may find its resilience to rise anew, full of positivity again, in the wake of the release.

See how Caroline helps Lachlan find a different way through by creating a welcoming space for tears in the revisited story below.

Story revisited

“Lachlan, come along. We’re going to be late for the game! You’ll need to grab your gear and come now.”
Lachlan looked up darkly at his mother from under his duvet without moving.
“What’s up?” she smiled playfully picking up the family cat Millie off his bed. “Cat go your tongue?”
“Leave me alone!” he retorted angrily. “I’m too tired to play soccer today.”
Caroline searched his face. Something was wrong. He wasn’t usually like this before a soccer match. She glanced at the clock…20 minutes before the warm up. Sighing, she realised they might not make it in time.
“Honey what’s up?” she asked more gently, allowing Millie to resettle herself, purring, into Lachlan’s shoulder.
Staring blankly ahead he mechanically stroked Millie a while, but did not reply.
Caroline got up and began absently tidying away bits and pieces from around the room.
Did he stay up watching the game too late with his Dad last night? she wondered. Or was it all that schoolwork he had, now he was in High School? Was it all too much for him?
Stopping a moment to catch his eye, she paused and said “Lachlan, if it’s too much, we needn’t go to the game. I can see you’re not feeling great today and you have a lot of homework to do.”
Angrily pushing his duvet aside and sending Millie flying for cover, he exclaimed, “No it’s not that Mum!”
Caroline stepped backwards quickly and accidentally tripped over Millie. Feeling a little clumsy and foolish, she stood carefully and brushed herself down, then paused, and examined his face.
Lachlan’s head dropped suddenly.
“Mum…” he paused awkwardly and suddenly his face looked deeply vulnerable.
“What is it darling?” she asked gently stepping towards him and putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Mum…I didn’t make it into the team… I’m not going to be in the Rep Team going to Malaysia this year after all.”
 “Darling, I had no idea!” said Caroline putting an arm on his shoulder.
Suddenly Lachlan could contain it no longer and huge, gulping sobs erupted from his chest.
“You poor love! You must feel devastated!” said Caroline, rubbing his back as he cried. “You’ve been holding on to this for a while then? Just let it out, honey. Let it out. It feels good to let it out you know.”
Lachlan’s sobs continued until all his feelings of agonising disappointment were spent. Eventually he took a deep breath and looked up at his Mother. “It’s ok. I’m going to be ok. I guess I’ve still got my local club to play in.” Then looking at her more closely he asked, “What’s that all over your apron?”
Looking down, she pulled out a dripping and squashed orange from her apron pocket – it had been crushed when she had fallen over his chair and said, “We’re meant to be on oranges at half time...” A chuckle escaped Lachlan’s throat and Caroline joined in.
“You should have said something!” Lachlan laughed. Suddenly he stood up and looked at his watch. “Well, we’d better get going Mum.”
Caroline checked the clock – 5 minutes til warm up time.
“Great!” she answered, picking up her energy. “We can do this! You get dressed quickly Lachlan, and I’ll grab the oranges. Let’s hope there’s no traffic between here and the soccer field!”

References

Macnamara, Deborah. Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Pre-Schoolers (or Anyone Who Acts like One). Aona Books, 2016.
Neufeld, Gordon. ‘Resilience, Recovery and Relationship: Towards Flourishing Children and Youth’. Calgary, 2017.
Solter, Aletha. ‘Understanding Tears and Tantrums’, 2000, 5.

What To Do With Parental Guilt

Natural Parent magazine Spring 2019

Many years ago now, I attended what will probably be the most miserable school event of my daughter’s life. It was her Primary School leaver’s assembly. I watched as child after child bounced onto stage receiving accolades and awards, their enthusiastic parents clapping, cheering and video-recording the event with pride. I, by contrast, sat hunched in the darkened back row, tears silently burning their way down my cheeks.

You see, my child was not “graduating” to the next level of schooling at all. I had recently made the the very painful decision to remove her from school in order to educate her at home. As a teacher myself, this felt like the ultimate betrayal to my profession and the chosen profession of much of my family including siblings, both parents and aunties and uncles on both sides. But for my girl, it didn’t seem as if there were any other option. As if her daily screams of distress each day as I tried to evict her out the door to school were not enough, there was also my community to deal with. I just didn’t know how else to cope with the accusations about her behaviour coming at me from her teachers, her peers, her peers’ parents, her out-of-school activity carers, and even from her state funded psychologists. The entire thing mounted up to one large self recrimination: I had somehow failed as a parent. Worse. I had somehow failed her as a parent.

Parental guilt seems to be an inevitable and unenviable burden we carry as parents whether we want it or not. It doesn’t seem to matter what caused the problem. If our children are unhappy it’s somehow our fault. We worry we’re being too critical, then worry we’re maybe being too kind. Are we pushing too hard, or are we maybe not pushing hard enough? Are we spending too much time on housework instead of the kids or are we putting the family to shame by not having the house tidy enough? Are we overly affectionate or are we not affection enough? We walk day in, day out with this nagging sense of guilt that we are maybe somehow destroying our child’s chances of future happiness because of our actions.

It’s exhausting worrying so much of the time about another human being and inevitably it leads to stress which can lead to more regrettable behaviour all over again. So what should we do with all this parental guilt and shame? Should we attempt to just sweep guilt from our minds, like some experts suggest?

The Difference between Guilt and Shame

The thing is, there’s a real difference between guilt and shame, and it’s important to know the difference. Researcher Brene Brown says it best. In her March 2012 TED talk she explains that guilt makes us feel that, “I did something bad” and leads us to say, “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” Shame, however, leads us to feel that “I ambad”, and leads us to think, “I’m sorry. I ama mistake.” She goes on to say that shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide and eating disorders. Guilt, by contrast, is inversely correlatedwith these things, meaning it leads people away from these sorts of behaviours, not towards them.

 Guilt, you see, triggers a sense of remorse. And true remorse can lead to actions that build healing and love. When I feel guilty, it’s usually because I fear I have hurt someone I care about, and that leaves me carrying a longing within me to make it right again.

 Shame, on the other hand, is an emotion that robs us of our energy. If I choose to believe that niggling voice that tells me “you’ve messed up this time”, and “you’re just not good enough” then I am flooded with a sense of inadequacy and helplessness that leaves me collapsed on the couch scrolling aimlessly on Facebook, or Instagram.

The truth about emotions

The truth is that we all do things we regret as parents. We shout, we threaten, we coerce, we bribe. We know we shouldn’t do these things and it makes us feel bad but what are we supposed to do? Parenting children can be so incredibly frustrating! In no other context are we asked to give so generously, so self sacrificially nor so mercilessly often, whether it be in the dead of the night or in the middle the day during an important work presentation.

But if we allow guilt over our bad judgement calls to turn to shame, it can cripple us. The recrimination thrown at us by others and by our own inner critical voice an be so intense it can be debilitating. But who can afford the luxury of a breakdown when we’re parenting? Food still needs to land on the table, the housework still needs to be done and money must still be earned to pay the rent. Often, as a way of keeping us functioning, the brain moves to a defensive “shut down” mode to protect us from this sense of overwhelm.

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld expands on the construct of a “defended heart” in his course The Science of Emotion. He explains how emotions that trigger significant distress in us can be shut down by the brain creating a kind of “inner armour” inside us to stop us constantly feeling flooded with the overwhelm. As a result, we can now we can function again, on the surface. But the cost is huge. Our ability to keep functioning has come at the expense of our ability to feel things…truthfully and deeply.

If we live shut down to our vulnerable emotions, then how can we feel compassion for someone in need? How can we feel our uncertainty when instinctively compelled to lash out? How can we feel our regret when we don’t manage to hold that aggression back? You see, emotions are meant to move us.They move us from one emotional state to another. Alarm moves us to take caution in a dangerous situation. Tears of sadness can move us from a place of frustration to a place of acceptance.

So how are we supposed to manage our guilt?

Do we pretend it isn’t there? Do we bury it? Or do we look it square in the eye and face the pain of it, allowing it to move us towards our best selves?

I believe that suppressing my guilt - along with any of my other unsavoury emotions - is counter-productive. Chronic attempts to block out my “shadow side” (as Jung terms it) can lead to the sort of trouble mentioned above with the defended heart. At some point we need to acknowledge that we are both our shadow and our light. None of us can carry sickly sweet “nice-ness” every moment of every day, and nor would it be healthy to. If I were to repress some of my “darker” emotions, I would not be a whole person. My tears are what give me the compassion to care about what’s not working in my child’s life. My anger is what gives me the ability to fight for my child’s needs. My anxiety is what drives me to protect my child from harm. The important thing with big and dark emotions, is to keep them out of the parenting arena. Our children are not equipped to bear them. Process these emotions elsewhere safely with a counsellor, a punch bag, a date with your spouse or a trip to the gym.

Guilt, regret and remorse are all vulnerable emotions and we need to be able to feel and process these emotions in order to find our way out the other side of them. When we allow ourselves to plumb the depths of our guilt, we find underneath it is a lot of hurt.  Psychologist Robin Grille says, “The hard fact is that every parent will sometimes, without necessarily realizing it or intending it, cause their children pain.” If we have the courage to look at the hurt we have caused others and find our tears about the wounds we or others have caused, we find that in the wake of those tears comes a “bounce back”. Once we have grieved the painful truth of our situation, an energy comes along in its wake that wants to make it right again,and heaven help anyone who gets in the way of that Mamma! She means business and she becomes a powerful force for good.

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld goes so far as to encourage parents to carry their guilt as a kind of “badge of honour”. He says this because parental guilt indicates that we are ready to carry the full weight of our child’s emotional needs. Guilt shows us that we’re ready to step up and be the answer to our child’s cry for help, no matter who or what caused the wounding.

Should we embrace our guilt?

Guilt proved the motivator in the story of my own daughter. Guilt motivated me to make a change. I had no idea at the time why my girl found school so distressing, why her teachers could not engage her nor why her peers avoided her. I only knew that something was wrong, and I felt terribly guilty about her behaviour and her unhappiness at school. My sense of guilt slowly moved me from my own distress about it all, to a frustration on her behalf, to a resolve to make it betterno matter what it cost me. What it cost me at the time, was my career. I resolved that if school wasn’t working for her, I’d leave my job and bring school within the four walls of our home, our fireplace and the books upon our shelves in the hope that my own presence might act as an antidote to her distress.

My wager worked out. Slowly, slowly, with time, she began to come out of her shell. Slowly, she began to find the courage to face her schoolwork again, with me alongside. Slowly, and with time, she began to recover from what had been a long period of unhappiness, and I discovered a bright, cheerful and increasingly resilient daughter beginning to emerge. It had cost me a lot personally, but it was worth every sacrifice I made. Guilt had motivated me to make things change for her.

So next time you find yourself wading into the deep waters of parental guilt what should you do with it? You could try to sweep it away or ignore it, but I suggest, instead, that you take a long, hard look at it in the eye, and if necessary allow it to change you.

Robin Grille, ‘Parent Guilt: A Silent Epidemic - The Natural Child Project’, accessed 30 July 2019, https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/robin_grille/parent_guilt.html.

Invite Dependence

Natural Parent magazine Autumn 2019

Jasper sat on the bench, unmoving. His face wore a scowl. In front of him were a noisy group of children in the swimming pool beginning their lesson.

“Come on Jasper!” cried his Mother. “All the other kids are already in. Why can’t you just be like the other children for once and get in the pool?!”

Sitting on the bench alone, dressed in nothing but his swimsuit with arms wrapped round his legs, Jasper scrunched down a little further and turned his back towards his mother.

Looking at him sitting resolutely on the bench, she knew there was no moving him in this mood. She gave a sigh and her gaze wandered over the happy group splashing in the water in front of her. What have I done to deserve this?  She wondered. All along I’ve coaxed him to dress himself, feed himself, walk by himself.

Each new step in his childhood had been a real challenge. Jasper seemed determined to do just the opposite of everything she wanted him to. She’d place a spoon in his hand when he was two and he’d throw it on the floor. She’d pick him up out of the pram when he was three, and walk well ahead of him, hoping he would follow on his own two feet. Oh the shame she’d felt when time and again she’d had to resort to walking back down the road to fetch him after long minutes had passed. Now he was eight and STILL he couldn’t seem to join the other kids on his own at swimming.

 It wasn’t as if she liked pushing to get him to do things for himself, but she knew she was doing the right thing, getting him to grow up and act as independently as the other kids… wasn’t she?

About Dependence

Dependence is an inherent part of childhood. It is in the nature of a child to be dependent on us, yet dependence has become a “dirty word” in today’s parenting culture. And it’s no wonder. Ever since Margaret Goldman and Rudolf Dreikurs assertively stated, “Never do for a child what a child can do for himself,” we have been scolding ourselves for showing signs of parental weakness every time we “give in” to a child and help them out with something they’re struggling with. We have been taught to encourage independence at every turn, whether it be in toileting, eating, learning or in peer relationships.

 However, times are changing and former parenting experts who claimed picking up a crying baby would “spoil” it, have now begun to be ignored in the face of convincing new evidence that shows “cuddled children grow up to be healthier, less depressed, kinder, more empathetic, and more productive adults.”

While we’re increasingly happy to accept that babies are allowed to have dependency needs, we’re still struggling with the fact that children and even adolescents have valid dependency needs that must also be met.

 A deeper understanding of child development and maturation shows us that dependence is an important stage we must go through on the way to becoming independent. Resilience research reveals children who are raised with a caring, supportive home environment have far better outcomes in adolescence and adulthood than those who don’t. When children feel cared for, supported and loved they are far more likely to become confident learners, make friends more easily and take risks where necessary in order to thrive. Just as we must first learn to walk before we can run, so too we must experience dependence before we are developmentally ready for independent functioning. 

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld believes that if we can first take care of the dependency needs of a child, then the independent behaviour will naturally unfold in its own time. Just as a toddler will push us away with a clear, “I do it myself!”when they’re ready to put on their own shoes, so too will an older child one day announce, “It’s ok Daddy, I don’t need you to walk me to the classroom door today”. The key is to “fill their cup” with lots of generous support and care first. Once they feel filled up with our generous invitation to depend, they will spontaneously want to do it on their own.

But be careful, warns Dr Neufeld, because the emergence of independence is a delicate thing. Just because a child has done it once by themselves, doesn’t mean they’re always ready to do it for themselves. A child who can happily walk away from us at the school gate one day may not be able to do it the next if they’re tired, anxious or feeling uncertain that day. We must unquestioningly and generously invite a child’s dependence when she or he is struggling, regardless of the fact they may have done it by themselves at some other time.

Inviting dependence from a child, in fact, is not as easy as it may sound. If your relationship with your child is marked by a quick fuse or too little connection, or if you simply have a particularly sensitive child, they may shrink from your lead. It feels vulnerable for a child to depend upon us and many children instinctively take an “alpha stance” putting themselves at the steering wheel, rather than face up to the vulnerability of looking to us for help and advice. If this is the case, first work to make it feel safe for the child to depend upon you.

In order to invite dependence, never scold a child who asks you for help, never shame a child who needs your help and never “rub it in their face” that they’re not able to do something yet. Instead, be ready to take the time to stop and support them. Find patience inside yourself to let them be “little” a while longer. As parents of any teen will tell you, it doesn’t take long before you wish you were back with a babe in arms looking to you for help and support and guidance. 

Finally, do not be afraid that by inviting dependence now you are going to have a dependent child forever. Just because you carried your child across the concrete today because it felt a bit hot on his bare feet doesn’t mean that you’ll be carrying him down the aisle. Trust that, when the conditions are conducive, the desire for independence will simply emerge of its own accord. It needn’t be pushed, prodded, taught or demanded.  One author put it this way: “Begrudging dependency because it is not independence is like begrudging winter because it is not yet spring”. Allow for nature to do its work in the fullness of time.

 See how Penny gets a different result from Jasper when she invites his dependence on her.

Story Revisited

Penny placed her hand on Jasper’s arm and waited for his attention. When she had his eyes she said quietly, “It’s time for swimming. Are you ready to go fetch your swimsuit?”

Jasper turned away moodily. “I’m not going!” he forcefully replied.

“Can you tell me more?” asked Penny.

“I don’t like it! It’s … it’s too …wet!”

Penny paused a while as Jasper turned away from her with his back turned. Eventually, she said, “Jasper, shall we go together and fetch your swimsuit? I don’t mind helping you.”

After a long pause Jasper moodily nodded assent, and together they walked to his room. Arriving at the pools Jasper shrunk behind Penny and clutched his towel tightly around him.

“I’m not going in there!” he announced. “I don’t like it!”

Penny nodded. “I know you don’t like the water, Jasper. I understand. I also know that living in New Zealand by the beach means that it’s very important that you learn to swim.”

Jasper continued to shrink behind Penny, turning away from the water. Glancing across at the assembled group of swimmers Penny said, “Just give me a minute, Jasper. I’ll be back soon.”

Penny walked across to the swim instructor and chatted a while. Shortly, she returned.

“Jasper, your teacher has agreed it might be better if I hop into the water with you today. Would you like that?”

Jasper looked up at his mother in surprise. “You! Come into the water with all the other kids?” He giggled at the thought of it.

Penny smiled. “Luckily I have my swimsuit with me, today. I’d be happy to come in with you, Jasper. I know how you don’t like all the noise and splashing. Why don’t we go in together?”

Jasper scrunched up his nose and giggled again. “Okay Mum, that would be cool” he replied softly, snuggling up against her for a hug.

References

Bergin, Christi, and David Bergin. ‘Attachment in the Classroom’. Educational Psychology Review21, no. 2 (May 2009): 141–170.

Boden, Joseph M., Jackie Sanders, Robyn Munford, Linda Liebenberg, and Geraldine F. H. McLeod. ‘Paths to Positive Development: A Model of Outcomes in the New Zealand Youth Transitions Study’. Child Indicators Research9, no. 4 (December 2016): 889–911.

Dreikurs, Rudolf, and Margaret Frances Goldman. The ABC’s of Guiding the Child. Alfred Adler Institute of Chicago, 1986.

Neufeld, Gordon. Alpha Children. Vancouver: Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2012.

O’Mara, Peggy. The Way Back Home: Essays on Life and Family. Mothering, 1991.

‘Resilience - Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) in Minnesota’. http://www.health.state.mn.us/divs/cfh/program/ace/resilience.cfm.

Resnick, Michael D, Peter S Bearman, Robert Wm Blum, Karl E Bauman, Kathleen M Harris, Jo Jones, Joyce Tabor, et al. ‘Protecting Adolescents From Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health’. Jounal of the American Medical Association278, no. 10 (1997): 823–832.

‘Should You Pick Your Baby up Every Time It Cries? New Study Says “Yes”’. https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/babies

 

 

Ruudolf Dreikurs and Margaret Frances Goldman, The ABC’s of Guiding the Child(Alfred Adler Institute of Chicago, 1986).

‘Should You Pick Your Baby up Every Time It Cries? New Study Says “Yes”’, https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/babies 

Joseph M. Boden et al., ‘Paths to Positive Development: A Model of Outcomes in the New Zealand Youth Transitions Study’, Child Indicators Research9, no. 4 (December 2016): 889–911; Michael D Resnick et al., ‘Protecting Adolescents From Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health’, Jounal of the American Medical Association278, no. 10 (1997): 823–832; ‘Resilience - Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) in Minnesota’; Christi Bergin and David Bergin, ‘Attachment in the Classroom’, Educational Psychology Review21, no. 2 (May 2009): 141–170.

Gordon Neufeld, Alpha Children(Vancouver: Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2012).

Peggy O’Mara, The Way Back Home: Essays on Life and Family(Mothering, 1991).

Understanding Counterwill

Natural Parent magazine Winter 2018

Bill looks up impatiently from his breakfast news article across to his 13-year-old daughter. 'Maddie…' he says with an edge to his voice.

Maddie's head remains buried in her cellphone screen as she scrolls through her notifications for the day so far.

' Maddie' he repeats a little louder. Maddie's face suddenly lights up with delight. 'Dad! I've hit 100 likes on the photo that I posted only last night!!'

Bill groans and rolls his eyes waiting while Maddie sends excited messages to 3 of her friends to tell them the news. He can see she's in another world, far away from the household and its responsibilities. The rubbish truck won't wait. He examines his watch.

'Maddie!' Bill finally explodes.

'What?' She looks up, a frown suddenly smeared across her face. 'What do you want now??'

'The rubbish!' says Bill. 'Today's the day the rubbish goes out! You know you have to get that bin out by 8 am or it won't get picked up!'

Maddie locks eyes with him a full 5 seconds or longer. 'The rubbish?!' she finally spits out.

'The rubbish?! You want me to put the rubbish out? Now???'

'Yes…' sighs Bill in a weary voice. 'We agreed last week that it was your new chore, remember? Now you're 13 and you have an allowance, you agreed to share in the household chores.'

'You want me to put the rubbish out now?! And wash all the recycling? That's ridiculous! I'll be late for school. I haven't finished my breakfast yet and I've still got homework from last night to finish. Do you want me to fail at school??!! You've got to be kidding me!'

What Is Happening Here?

In this scenario, Maddie is experiencing counterwill - a strong desire to kick back against her father's request. Counterwill is that feeling you get when you feel pushed around by somebody else. It is a feeling that grows more common in older children as they try to separate and define themselves as separate from their parents, but it's not restricted to the older child - as any parent of a toddler will tell you - and it has an important role to play in developmental maturation.

About Counterwill

The term Counterwill was coined by Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank in the early 1900s but has been brought into common use by Canadian psychologist Gordon Neufeld. The term literally means 'against the will of ' and it explains that resistance you get from others when you ask them to do something and are met with resistance, irritation or a 'cold shoulder.'

Counterwill is no fun to experience as a parent. However, it's useful to understand that it's a deep and instinctual response hard-wired in our brains. The reactivity you may accidentally trigger in your child is instinctive, not something they choose to do after careful consideration. In the story above Maddie did not think, 'I have no intention of helping around the house so what excuses can I think up to tell Dad that I can't do it?'   She probably had genuinely good intentions when she originally agreed to help out with the housework but the abruptness of her father's request while she was enjoying engaging with friends online triggered an instinctual reaction to push back angrily to his request.

So what's the point of Counterwill anyway?

It protects from outside influence

It's important to understand that counterwill serves an important developmental function: it triggers a child to refuse to co-operate with somebody to whom they are not attached. Dr Neufeld says 'Children were designed to be impossible to manage unless sufficiently attached to those in charge of them'. If we 'train' children to comply with all adult instructions obediently and never push back, there is a danger that people who do not genuinely care about the child could come in and coerce them into doing things that put them into unsafe situations.

But how does this relate to Maddie and Bill you might ask? Bill is a safe attachment figure, not an outside influence and genuinely cares about his daughter Maddie, so what developmental purpose does counterwill serve here? There are two more factors to consider here.

Counterwill paves the way for separate functioning

Counterwill allows a child to separate from their parents. By learning to use their own voice and to express their own opinions and feelings, children are exploring who they truly are and who they will become when they leave home. Toddlers first experience a strong wave of counterwill around the ages 18 months to 3 years. This is their first experimentation with saying 'no' and is an important developmental stage as their brain begins to realise they are a separate being from Mum or Dad.

As children approach adolescence around ages 10 or 11 this stage returns as they begin the more permanent journey away from childhood and into adulthood and functioning on their own as a separate being. Psychoanalyst Eric Erikson believed children who do not successfully learn to separate from others during adolescence will experience ongoing identity confusion in later life. They risk becoming people who lack their own identity and who are easily coerced into pleasing others in their relationships and work roles in their adult life.

It happens most often when our child doesn't feel connected to us

Counterwill is not always a healthy expression of one's personal feelings, thoughts and opinions. Counterwill is also a symptom that things aren't right between us. It is most easily triggered when our child feels least connected to us. In the story above Maddie was feeling distant from her father and closely connected with her friends on social media. When her father pulled her forcefully back into the world of home and responsibilities she reacted with heightened counterwill.

When should I feel concerned about my child's counterwill?

Counterwill is part of growing up and usually, we needn't feel overly concerned about it. There is only reason to feel concerned about counterwill when it gets 'stuck'. Counterwill is a response that should arise when we feel coerced against our will to do something, but should recede once the moment is past. When a child with a good connection to us has had time to reflect further on things they may regret their outburst and decide to repair the relationship. However, if your child seems to respond to nearly every request or interaction with counterwill without making an effort to repair the damage afterwards, it is a sign the relationship between you is most likely in an unhealthy state.

In order to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy counterwill, think to yourself, 'Is this counterwill protecting an important belief or emergence of their grown-up self? Or is it begin used to block me from being a being part of my child's life?' Wonder to yourself 'What is this counterwill protecting?' If it is always pushing you away from them in order to protect their relationship with peers, digital technologies or other activities in their lives it may be time to start considering how to reconnect with your child and nurture a warmer space between you.

So how am I supposed to respond to counterwill in my child?

Accept. Occasional reactive counterwill is a normal part of a child's experience of growing up. Try not to take it too personally, and recognise it for what it is. Back off from pressuring the child to do the thing you asked and come at it from another gentler angle once the reactivity has settled down. 

Step back. If your child is 'stuck' in counterwill it is time to step back from requests, demands and ultimatums and focus instead on the space between you and your child. What has happened to send your child into such a defensive stance? Some time and reflection may be needed as well as a lot of forgiveness and goodwill to create a safer, healthier space between you.

Avoid triggering unnecessary counterwill. If your child feels distant from you, use Dr Neufeld's maxim Connect Before You Direct. Connecting is something we do many, many times a day with our child with a smile, an understanding hug, a story, a query if they're alright or a shared hot chocolate watching TV together… But the connection doesn't last. It flees when it's interrupted by another moment, another event. Like food, children need connecting experiences many, many times a day. So make sure you connect before you try to direct them. When you connect before you direct it can get you quite a different response. See how Bill does it in the story below.

Bill and Maddie revisited

Bill looks up impatiently from his breakfast news article across to his 13-year-old daughter

'Maddie…' he says with an edge to his voice. 

Maddie's head remains buried in her cellphone screen as she scrolls through her notifications for the day so far.

' Maddie' he repeats a little louder. Maddie's face suddenly lights up with delight. 'Dad! I hit 100 likes on the photo that I only posted last night!!'

He can see she's in another world, far away from the household and its responsibilities. 'What was that phrase he read about again?' he wonders to himself… Connect before you Direct .

'Maddie!' Bill repeats louder in a friendly voice. She looks up from her screen. 'Show me that photo. It must be amazing.'

Maddie smiles shyly. 'Aww, Dad. It's only me and Cilla playing around at school. You wouldn't like it.'

'Try me' smiles Bill. Hesitantly Maddie passes the screen across to Bill to reveal a shot of Maddie and her friend Cilla standing under a school sign saying 'No throwing balls here.' Both girls have balls in their hands poised as if to throw them with cheeky grins on their faces.

Suddenly Bill's face creases into a smile in recognition. 'It's counterwill!' he thinks to himself. 'At least it's not directed at me this once!'

'I hope you didn't get in trouble?' he asks lightly.

'Oh no, Dad. We were just being silly. We didn't' actually throw them. I don't know why that photo got so many likes… What was it you wanted to say to me before anyway?'

'Oh, I just wanted to remind you about putting out the rubbish. It's nearly 8am.'

'Oh shoot!' Maddie looks at her watch. 'Sorry, Dad! I'll get it out now but I can't get the recycling clean today. I have a heap of things to do before school.'

'That's fine, Mads' Bill smiles and ruffles her hair. 'You'll get better at remembering when you get into the routine of it each week. I'll do the recycling this time round.'

References

Erikson, Erik Homburger. Identity and the Life Cycle . Vol. 1. WW Norton & Company, 1980.

Neufeld, Gordon. Making Sense of Counterwill . Vancouver: Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2012.